How to Show Sympathy When Someone is Grieving
Knowing what to say to someone who has just experienced a loss and is grieving is something that everyone should learn about. Just as important, knowing what not to say needs to be addressed, too. Knowing what to write in a sympathy card can make all the difference in helping a person who is grieving. In this related video I covered all of that including several ideas for what to do to when someone you know is grieving.
First, let’s review the don’ts.
Don’t say, “I know how you feel.” You really haven’t been in their shoes. Even if their father died and your father has already passed away, you didn’t have the same relationship with your father as the other person did with his or her father.
Don’t say your opinion. Giving your opinion about someone else’s loss, such as a health diagnosis, a job loss, or a divorce, really isn’t helpful to the other person. They can ask for your opinion, in which case it is okay to tell them your opinion. If they don’t ask for your opinion, don’t give it.
Don’t start sentences with these words: “At least….” Or “It’s just….” For example, “At least you’re alive.” Or “At least it’s just a little cancer.” Or, in the case of a fire or flood, “It’s just stuff.” They can say, “It’s just stuff.” But if you say it, it’s insensitive.
Don’t use God-related platitudes. Even if it’s Biblical truth. Just be with people. I heard Joni Erickson Tada say, “Don’t slap Biblical truth down like it is a pint of blood and say, ‘Here – ingest this. This will do you good. You’ll feel a lot better. It will show you how to rejoice in suffering.’ Hook your spiritual veins up to the one who is ‘bleeding’ out of control…. and infuse your life into them. It’s going to cost you something.”
Don’t say, “There’s a reason for everything.”
Don’t say, “Be strong!” Especially to children, teenagers, and young adults; it is not sympathetic to tell them to be strong.
Don’t share stories about people you know who went through a similar situation or your story about when you went through a similar situation. Doing that is making the conversation about you and that is not sympathetic. By doing so, you’re making it all about you instead of about the grieving person.
Next, let’s explore the Do’s:
Do say, “I’m so sorry.” Or, “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
Do give the person a hug if the relationship is appropriate for a hug.
If someone posts about a loss on Facebook, rather than pop an emoji as a response, give the person a call.
If you knew the person who died, share a memory you have of that person; something their family member would enjoy.
Offer specific help. Rather than say, “Let me know how I can help.” Instead, offer to make meals; offer to help clean their house; offer to help mow their lawn; if they have young children offer to help with childcare. If they’re going to have a lot of paperwork, offer to help with it. Give them specific examples of ways you might help.
A sympathy card can be mailed or, in the case of a funeral or wake, it can be brought and left at the venue. There are 3 ways to write sympathy cards:
BAD: In the note inside the card, you write something making it all about you and your agenda. (Someone did this to me when my mother died. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. That is not sympathy.)
LESS BAD: Not sending a card at all. I’d prefer to not receive a sympathy card at all than to receive a card inside which someone has written something making it all about them and their agenda.
GOOD: In the note inside the card, remember something about the person who died (if you knew him or her). I tell people grief takes as long as it takes. It has not timetable. I tell them to take the time they need to heal.
You can write a note on a separate piece of paper and tuck the note inside the card.
If someone is sick or grieving some type of loss, you can offer to get together. They might prefer a restaurant. They might prefer getting together at their home or at your home. This is a good way to show sympathy.
Let the person talk and think out loud. Keep it about them. Don’t make it about you or your stories. Don’t be concerned about feeling uncomfortable with someone else’s grief. This is life. This is real life. People grieve their losses. You get to decide whether you’re going to show real sympathy.